Why God?

Sometimes this question is never asked out of fear of the response, but what I have learned in this school is that to know God we must ask questions. Asking is a good thing! So...Why God? Why serve Him? Why love Him? Why is it all about God? Who is God really...no really. who is God? I feel as beeing a christian most of my life, I have stopped "thinking" and have taken the back seat in my search for God. Why was i searching Him in the first place? Some people in the church i truly believe have forgotten over time why they are a "Christ follower." Don't stop asking -that feeling you have inside - the unsettling feeling of frustration and weariness from dissatisfaction is you're hunger for Christ screaming out. Being a christian IS NOT BORING. Why do you think mankind searches his whole life for pleasure and value?  We are made that way. do you think God doesn't know that... How do we measure value? Job 28:12-22 by how original and or unique that thing is? job 28:23-28 But How do we choose when we don't understand the value? Can we say God is the most valuable without understanding His full worth?
One of the things that has been said to me over and over these two days is "Is God enough for you?" Can I truly say im reading the word loving others doing what is good because God is enough? or is His calling for my life what drives me to serve Him, the gift of ministry, the promise of Heaven? Is GOD all together enough? -this is when it hit me "Sin is what we do when God isn't enough." Lay down your right for illegitimate pleasures and find the eternal satisfactory pleasures in christ. That pleasure is found when u stop going through the motions and find enjoyment in His satisfaction. Think of this! Jesus came so that we might have Joy and fulness of Joy this very day. We are promised Joy! God doesn't want us to suppress our emotions -no live it out be alive 'cause God is alive! God rewards those who seek Him, seek the reward of being completely satisfied in Him. I love this saying "pleasure becomes the measure of the treasure" "think of this we say i have to follow Christ do the miserable, suffer and be obedient and don't count on there always being joy...No! if there wasn't the promise of Joy in Christianity i would go back to sin" So lets toss this idea that the most holy Christian is the most miserable. We are the most satisfied, pleasured, on fire, attractive people overflowing with Joy because God. is. enough.

day1 notes on "The Fear of God"

To fear God is to Know Him
Knowing God: being vulnerable before Him -striped bare- showing everything

Reaching our destiny
~God has called you to something that you (alone) can't do.
~You can't reach your destiny without the fear of the Lord. Deu 6:24 & 5:29
Gen 20:10 The fear of the Lord is not optional
it is the beginning of wisdom
*God is for you even if you may not be for you*

Growth with God is organic
God does not expect you to be advanced in His wisdom and knowledge tomorrow
He loves where you are at RIGHT NOW and wants you to grow organically -slowly and thoroughly inside and out. He's in it for the "long haul"

So what is this fear of the Lord-is it being scared of hell?
Its the beginning of wisdom it keeps us from evil... WE need this fear.... but what is it?
The fear of the Lord allows us the "context" to interpret the whole picture. Why- because no single picture or experience defines God

"I can't do that" we say that but what are we really saying
is it physical limitation or moral conviction?

God wants us to ask questions: Gen 3:9 after our rebellion what was one of the first things God does? "where are you" He asks a question ...we know that God already knows the answer than why ask? He is modeling for us -- when we don't know what to do (like when adam and eve hid after they sinned) we should ask questions. Jesus' most recorded question "what do you want?" "What can I do for you?" what is he modeling for us ... to tell him the desires of our heart, be verbal tell God what it is.

Darkness= ability to not see: when no one can see I am absolved of anything i've done.
Light= Context ; it gives us vision reveals the whole picture

*the beginning of wisdom is letting God be the one who defines you*

Sorry some of the things written don't flow very well, I just wrote down all the highlights in my notes from day one the lecture is also available on a podcast @ awakendts.com One of the things that really stuck out to me the first day was that it wasn't for God's sake we fear Him but for our own. It's for our own good that we fear because its the beginning of knowledge- the knowledge of knowing who he is fully.

outreach locations!

HEY everyone, so i was going to write some of my notes tonight about what our speaker has been sharing on "the fear of the Lord" ...such good stuff... but i couldn't wait to share! our outreach locations were announced! OK here it is: (sorry about the spelling)
Haiti
Thailand-Cambodia
China
Azerbaijan
North India
India
South America
and Omen
We were given the names this morning and had till dinner to pray about what top 2 or 3 locations God is leading us to. I was freaking out! After a lot of thinking and researching and PRAYING these are the top three I felt called to (by the way thank you everyone for your prayers so far)
1 Azerbaijan 2 north India 3 Thailand
now the staff take what we have written down and spend the rest of the week praying about it and choosing for us. I will be letting you know my outreach location soon!!

Philippians 1:9-11
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God.

How do we hear the voice of God?
We need to know that FIRST to hear Gods voice we must know him. We should always be striving to learn his character and build an intimate relationship with Him. This is all accomplished through His word.
"trying to hear Gods voice without knowing his word is irresponsible."

Ants

heres just a little word God spoke to me today.... So funny story I was sitting trying to listen and here Gods voice but its so hard to make sure its not u thinking or your thoughts coming into your mind...so i kept asking God ok just open my mind God, really take over here cause i cant stop "thinking" im so distracted like i keep thinking about my room, and my shower popped into my head and then immediately ants came up--OK heres why ...we have soooo many ants in our room its ridiculous, to the point where they get in my bed, and cover our food even MY TOOTHBRUSH within seconds. It has been driving me insane!
Then I heard "IM the ants" --what? thats funny? -- " I am everywhere.. following you all over the place.." "i want to cover your food your spiritual food"
ha wow!



for those of u who are reading this now ignore what im about to say lol
"yes i spelt 'aunts' wrong (i fixed it) haha now u know how tired i am oops :)

God is a "Gentle-man"

God is listening! What an amazing night... Honestly this whole week I haven't yet been on "fire" for the Lord I was hoping my feelings I posted last night would all fall away after our class this morning but it didn't. The lesson was so reassuring from the Lord and totally spoke to me urging me to dive into scripture and affirming me that everything coming from the class is directly from God...but i still had an unsettling feeling. Ok i'll try and make sense of it...I would see everyone around me be so spiritually sensitive, totally high on God, some almost acting in crazy ways i just can not relate to at any level. Thoughts would flood me like have I lost God? Is something wrong with me? I can be on fire for Him, i know it, I could feel Him back home I could worship him in complete comfort and feel his presence...But i get here and He is totally absent. Doubt flooded me, I really rethought my christianity.
Then tonight we had another worship service and all i could think was "o boy here we go again" I'm not even going to try this time i'll just sit back and watch everyone sing. I did. I stood with my hands crossed feeling awkward and frustrated. I DID NOT want anyone coming near me let alone pray for me, i was going to walking out if someone tried to come up to me i was honestly sick of sticking out from everyone. Nothing happened during worship, then it was over and before I could even walk out a hand was placed on my back. "really? please don't start prying for me." The girl asked the usual- can i pray for something...ha I almost said no. I couldn't think of anything. Then words came out of here that totally floored me she was down to earth totally calm having a rational conversation with me ...she said I want you to know whats going on inside of you is ok. It's ok to feel differently than those around you -this atmosphere is new to you isn't it -what people are doing around you. mariah God is a gentleman, He doesn't barge into places Hes not invited ..He wont throw you on the floor or make u into a fool infront of people...He loves you and respects you. You may not be feeling Him in the same way as others around you but that doesn't mean He isnt here with you. We all worishp God in a different and personal way. I see you're afraid I understand I went through the same exact thing remember Gods safe He is our safety...but also God isn't fear fear is the absence of Him. You don't have to verbally pray out loud now (unlike everyone around us) but tell God what your feeling and ask for forgiveness for fearing Him. Let Him take down your walls Slowly and gently. He is loving and kind and moving slowly and I know this isn't new for you, im assuming you've loved God for a long time. He is a gentle God and is working differently in every person here. It's a divine thing you're here mariah ur supposed to be here.
: all i have to say is if God wasn't speaking through her she is VERY good at mind reading that just blew me away everyone was saying o be prepared God's going to do crazy things ur going to have crazy stuff be said to you ...It wasn't crazy it was simple and no one jumped up and down or tried to speak tongues over me it was comfortable it came to me in "my way" and sooooo what i needed to here I mean wow I just heard from God and it all made sense everythings ok it makes sense! We are all here to find God on our level I don't have to laugh uncontrollably or fall to the ground to experience him Hes already here in me speaking quietly moving slowly and deeply.
I guess what Im trying to say is while being here I got caught up in everyones external worship of God - I dont have to be writhing on the floor to feel him i can't compare my worship to others. Just because I cant speak in tongues or laugh uncontrollably doesn't mean somethings wrong NOT AT ALL. Even our ywam leader this quarter is the same i learned, all this time i thought he was this crazy "in tune" person... he doesn't fall or laugh or do tongues or anything but His relationship with God is so so so evident and strong ...then God did an even more amazing thing He brought more people to me that are exactly the same. Our DTS leader my roommate staff, wow so amazing God really removed that fear of not belonging or being "spiritual" enough.
I hope this makes sense and it doesn't come out wrong its something very hard to explain on a page. Just make your relationship with God your own and if hes calling u to run around the room waving your hands GO for it God is limitless! But dont be discouraged when your form of experiencing God doesn't match up with others "its ok" If in Everything you do do it for the glory of god its right and good! die to yourself and direct everything.. all of your being to HIM whether that means shouting his name to rid your selfishness or kneeling to the ground calmly and quietly

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart!
   Try me and know my thoughts!
²⁴ And see if there be any grievous way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting!

why are you so downcast O my soul?

Tonight we worshiped in our class room facing the water while the sun was setting,and as we all began to sing peoples hearts immediately opened up and I watched as they jumped into complete "bliss." I didn't know what to think, I confess I was embarrassed. I couldn't "feel" God the music was different the place was different and i couldn't "relax" I felt left out like I belonged on the outside of the room-like i should stand off and just watch. Someone approached me during our prayer time during the service and I asked if she could pray for my fears. She asked if I could be more specific and i just broke down-"i cant feel God I don't know what to do, I feel so left out." My relationship with God feels so cold and It is the scariest feeling especially being where i am right now! I mean hello im in YWAM i just sacrificed my "entire life" to God for the next six months Im supposed to be on fire right now ready to do missions? I can't even worship!? I feel like im staring from the very beginning -im a baby christian innocent and naive again. I don't understand. I can't even describe it on this blog. BUT i do hear God saying go to scripture i NEED scripture thats the only way I will find Him here. So i decided to begin by searching for what I am feeling at this time and just writing it out ...

(Psalm42:5)  Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your 
hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Lam3:17) I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. Psalm73:16 When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me

(Psalm77:3)  I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew 
faint. Selah

(Mat14:31)  Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of 
little faith," he said, "why did you doubt? 40  He said..., "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

Psalm 42:2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?
 Psalm 42:3 My tears have been my food 
       day and night, 
       while men say to me all day long, 
       "Where is your God?"

Gods mirror

wow! what an amazing past few days...its so refreshing to experience worship here. My heart is slowly opening and searching for the love of Christ. I feel like a mirror is being held up in front of me and im finally having to look at all of the emptiness inside of me needing to be filled with the holy spirit. Gods showing me "who" i am and "who" i have become! He is starting to shake me and wake me up and just fill me with His love ..I dont want to fight it and i dont want to be doubtful or hold back. God never wants us to hold back not when he has SO MUCH to give. He's the one whose in charge and can take u to places make u do things have you impact people in ways you have NEVER imagined. I never realized how cold and afraid i have grown just over the past year. I lost all my true passion and joy... I want to find it again! I cant wait to dive into our scripture verses and really begin a brand new construction in our hearts. Everyday becomes more and more comfortable here on campus. I cant wait for the day when i can call this home and know everyone here. Just sitting in the meeting today with everyone on the DTS really opened my eyes to how huge God is. I never thought about the same God who talks to me and works in my life is talking to the friends i just met in south korea, norway, australia, and denmark. They are also being spoken to in their own language and culture and feel what i am feeling on the other side of the world! We are truly as christians connected. Its so much fun learning about other cultures i love hearing stories of their homes and listening to new words and expressions. There is so much to say ...im honestly rambling on this blog. I can't wait to begin posting after our classes begin and share what we are learning and hearing from God. I'm ready to be on this coming "high" for Jesus.

day one

Yesterday was the last day for me in washington i cant believe it came so fast. I have been overwhelmed with prayers and encouragement I will be missing everyone back home so much but even with the pain of saying goodbye im blessed to have so many around me who love me.
So now it's "today" my first day of ywam and ive never been so overwhelmed with emotion. Im still fighting the fears and uneasiness of leaving my comfort zone but I know that God has stored up so many amazing things for me these next months. He has already blessed me with an easy transition -totally a God thing- i was able to meet two girls right when i landed and have been blesses to room with them as well. God definitely is answering prayers. The staff here is amazing everyone has such joy and energy surrounding them we were all greeted with smiles and hugs! The lectures begin next week and already im excited to jump in. The town is beautiful and the people are so welcoming. I am happy to be ending my first day ...it was by far the hardest and most overwhelming day to say goodbye ...but now its hello and im eager to head forward!