God is a "Gentle-man"

God is listening! What an amazing night... Honestly this whole week I haven't yet been on "fire" for the Lord I was hoping my feelings I posted last night would all fall away after our class this morning but it didn't. The lesson was so reassuring from the Lord and totally spoke to me urging me to dive into scripture and affirming me that everything coming from the class is directly from God...but i still had an unsettling feeling. Ok i'll try and make sense of it...I would see everyone around me be so spiritually sensitive, totally high on God, some almost acting in crazy ways i just can not relate to at any level. Thoughts would flood me like have I lost God? Is something wrong with me? I can be on fire for Him, i know it, I could feel Him back home I could worship him in complete comfort and feel his presence...But i get here and He is totally absent. Doubt flooded me, I really rethought my christianity.
Then tonight we had another worship service and all i could think was "o boy here we go again" I'm not even going to try this time i'll just sit back and watch everyone sing. I did. I stood with my hands crossed feeling awkward and frustrated. I DID NOT want anyone coming near me let alone pray for me, i was going to walking out if someone tried to come up to me i was honestly sick of sticking out from everyone. Nothing happened during worship, then it was over and before I could even walk out a hand was placed on my back. "really? please don't start prying for me." The girl asked the usual- can i pray for something...ha I almost said no. I couldn't think of anything. Then words came out of here that totally floored me she was down to earth totally calm having a rational conversation with me ...she said I want you to know whats going on inside of you is ok. It's ok to feel differently than those around you -this atmosphere is new to you isn't it -what people are doing around you. mariah God is a gentleman, He doesn't barge into places Hes not invited ..He wont throw you on the floor or make u into a fool infront of people...He loves you and respects you. You may not be feeling Him in the same way as others around you but that doesn't mean He isnt here with you. We all worishp God in a different and personal way. I see you're afraid I understand I went through the same exact thing remember Gods safe He is our safety...but also God isn't fear fear is the absence of Him. You don't have to verbally pray out loud now (unlike everyone around us) but tell God what your feeling and ask for forgiveness for fearing Him. Let Him take down your walls Slowly and gently. He is loving and kind and moving slowly and I know this isn't new for you, im assuming you've loved God for a long time. He is a gentle God and is working differently in every person here. It's a divine thing you're here mariah ur supposed to be here.
: all i have to say is if God wasn't speaking through her she is VERY good at mind reading that just blew me away everyone was saying o be prepared God's going to do crazy things ur going to have crazy stuff be said to you ...It wasn't crazy it was simple and no one jumped up and down or tried to speak tongues over me it was comfortable it came to me in "my way" and sooooo what i needed to here I mean wow I just heard from God and it all made sense everythings ok it makes sense! We are all here to find God on our level I don't have to laugh uncontrollably or fall to the ground to experience him Hes already here in me speaking quietly moving slowly and deeply.
I guess what Im trying to say is while being here I got caught up in everyones external worship of God - I dont have to be writhing on the floor to feel him i can't compare my worship to others. Just because I cant speak in tongues or laugh uncontrollably doesn't mean somethings wrong NOT AT ALL. Even our ywam leader this quarter is the same i learned, all this time i thought he was this crazy "in tune" person... he doesn't fall or laugh or do tongues or anything but His relationship with God is so so so evident and strong ...then God did an even more amazing thing He brought more people to me that are exactly the same. Our DTS leader my roommate staff, wow so amazing God really removed that fear of not belonging or being "spiritual" enough.
I hope this makes sense and it doesn't come out wrong its something very hard to explain on a page. Just make your relationship with God your own and if hes calling u to run around the room waving your hands GO for it God is limitless! But dont be discouraged when your form of experiencing God doesn't match up with others "its ok" If in Everything you do do it for the glory of god its right and good! die to yourself and direct everything.. all of your being to HIM whether that means shouting his name to rid your selfishness or kneeling to the ground calmly and quietly

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart!
   Try me and know my thoughts!
²⁴ And see if there be any grievous way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting!